Nefertiti remembers the first time she was sexually assaulted.
She was just 11 years old when a family member kissed her. “That was my first kiss,” she says.
She remembers being frozen in shock.
“It took so much away from me. It was frightening. I kept asking myself, why me?
“I couldn’t tell anyone because I feared no one believed me. I started to hate myself.”
A second incident came aged 13 – this time involving a family friend in a car.
“He’s sitting in the car and he’s going for the gear stick, but his hand is sliding up my thigh,” she recalls.
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Nefertiti (not her real name to protect her identity) says she was “pushing” and “fighting” during the incident but remembers thinking: “What is it about me? Why do men think they have the right to disrespect me?”
“They took all that innocence away from me, and it made me hate myself even further,” she adds.
What followed from these horrifying memories was a lifetime of sporadic incidents of abuse that affected her character and identity.
She even contemplated ending her own life.
“I cried, I fought, I lost respect, I just didn’t care,” she says.
Nefertiti felt choked into silence. As a black woman, she says she didn’t feel able to speak out or confide in anyone in authority because of fears she wouldn’t be believed.
Victims fear ‘they won’t be treated fairly’
Speaking out is difficult for every survivor of abuse. But the issue is more acute in certain communities, where there is a deep distrust.
In England and Wales, black women are more likely to experience domestic abuse than any other ethnic group – with 33.1% affected, according to the Office for National Statistics.
Research by the UK’s only specialist domestic abuse charity for black women, Sistah Space, has found 97% of women did not believe they would be treated fairly by police or support services if they reported their experiences.
The London-based charity surveyed more than 2,200 women who were victims of domestic violence and found 76% said they felt unable to speak up or escape.
Among the reasons, they cited a fear of being judged or stereotyped as a black woman, a fear of not being believed and a fear of retaliation from the abuser.
Ngozi Fulani, the charity’s chief executive, says when victims have been made invisible by both abuse and systemic neglect, being truly “seen” can be the first step toward freedom.
Spaces where black women see themselves reflected in those who support them is why a women’s refuge solely for women from African and Caribbean heritage is needed, Ms Fulani says.
“This is something that if we don’t have it, black women affected by domestic abuse will continue to be traumatised, affected mentally, physically, spiritually in any other way,” she adds.
‘Deep mistrust’
In response to the findings, Metropolitan Police Deputy Assistant Commissioner Dr Alison Heydari – programme director of the Police Race Action Plan – said the figures were a “stark reminder of the deep mistrust many communities have in our service”.
“We must continue to drive projects and improvements which rebuild confidence and ensure victims of domestic abuse and other crimes have faith in us to support them,” she added.
Dr Heydari said “positive work” was happening in police forces but “more needs to be done”.
“We are determined to work across policing to ensure every victim of domestic abuse gets the support they need and that offenders are brought to justice,” she added.
Nefertiti found counsel and comfort in the charity and wants other survivors to remember help does exist.
“If I had this support when I was younger, things would have been different for me,” she says.
“Coming here, we’re family. That’s the best way for me to describe it.
“To women out there, come and see for yourself. If you want to talk, you can talk. Even if you just want to sit in the corner, someone will sit with you, so you’re not going to be alone.”
Anyone feeling emotionally distressed or suicidal can call Samaritans for help on 116 123 or email [email protected] in the UK. In the US, call the Samaritans branch in your area or 1 (800) 273-TALK.
