Every week, our Money blog team finds the answer to a reader’s financial problem or consumer dispute. Here’s our latest…
Last year I was a bridesmaid for one of my oldest friends. With buying dresses, travel, a hen do in Lisbon (that’s a whole story in itself) and general support on the day, I probably spent at least £1,500 due to her wedding. I’ve known her since we were six so gave another £200 towards her honeymoon fund as a wedding gift. Last month I got married. She wasn’t a bridesmaid because I have three sisters, and although she came to my hen in Paris, the costs wouldn’t have been as high as £1,500. I was therefore surprised that she didn’t so much as leave a card in our wedding box. It’s not as if they’re poor – she’s a teacher and her partner works in finance, they drive a Tesla. I don’t want to ruin our friendship but am struggling to get past it. What should I do?
Jennifer*
In the pecking order of social misdemeanours, not reciprocating a good friend’s wedding gift is pretty high, but is it really something you can’t get past? I suggest that for the good of your friendship, and sanity, you might try a little harder.
I did some research and it turns out you’re not alone in being wronged in this way – you’ll find threads on Reddit and Mumsnet.
Some of the sage counsel in the replies includes:
“Etiquette would dictate you never mention it again, as you never give a gift expecting reciprocity.”
“I can see gently inquiring about it once, because things can go wrong with wire transfers, but it would be very poor manners to ever bring it up again. Just let it go.”
There are lots of potentially mitigating factors here.
You talk about her financial position but do you really know? Britons are notoriously coy when it comes to discussing their bank balances. Like many people, your friend may have seen her mortgage repayments balloon, or maybe she and her partner are paying through the nose for that Tesla every month.
You also mention there was a box – perhaps her card dropped out, or got lost?
Or, she may have forgotten a card on the day and intended to sort it out later, then other things got in the way. Our wedding day is one of the most important days of our lives: but for most guests, it fades along with the hangover.
I’d suggest the main thing is that she was there with you, both on your foreign hen and the (hopefully) best day of your life.
I wanted to check myself on this so spoke to social etiquette expert Rupert Wesson.
He said: “I can understand how this must rankle, not least because weddings are an expensive business these days. There seems to be the equivalent of an arms race for staging the most elaborate event!
“If I can put it simply, let it go!
“Imagine in years to come, after you have both retired, you are still friends and going on holidays together. The understanding you have shown now and your acquiescence will seem a small price to pay and of course you can always sneak all of the drinks on to her room bill.”
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For Wesson, the only reason to not follow the above advice is if you’ve found that you don’t truly value the friendship.
“If you realise that on reflection you really do value it, then you should say nothing and move on,” he said
“If you discover that in fact you don’t value it that much then the nuclear option is my wholehearted recommendation to you.”
I asked followers of Sky News on social media what they’d do – as you can see, a vast majority would NOT bring this up if it were their friend…
*Name has been changed
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